Sam Belcher, Puget Sound Advanced Squad Leaders's leading humorist, has made a good showing on Tom Repetti's Spuddy Awards almost since their inception. In case you're wondering, Sam has been known to crack just as wise in person as he does on the list. In fact, a couple of his name suggestions for our own organization were narrowly rejected: "The Discrupted Dare-Death Conscripts" and "The Seattle United Commissar Killers."

Without further ado, here is a retrospective of Sam's Spuddy rated material...

1995b Spuddy Awards

Runners Up for Best ASL Story:
Sam Belcher, for "Use a form to automate your Flames" and "Talking to the Big Guy"

Runner Up Best Non-sequiter:
From Sam Belcher's list of ASL truisms:
No defensive setup can survive 40 turns of bombardment.

1996A Spuddy Awards

Best Moneymaking Idea:
P.S. If you are reading this, and you are NOT using a computer, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ASAP! We'll need to visit the patent office, but we may never have to work again.

1996B Spuddy Awards

Best .sig:
Sam (Everything has a TLA*) Belcher
* TLA = Three Letter Acronym

Best Followup to a Straight Line, to Alain Chabot:
>Perry "Anyone remember the Van Allen Scoring System?"

That's easy: the guy with a radioactive belt wins.

Runner-Up, to Jeff Harris responding to Sam Belcher:
Recent record: No Wins / 8 Losses

Hey Sam, how about a game? :)

(OK, this one wasn't from Sam, but I had to include it...)

Best Story Runner-Up:
Sam ("I Am") Belcher, for "What if Dr Seuss Wrote the Rule Book?"

What if Dr Seuss Wrote the Rule Book?

INTRODUCTION

Here's an easy thing to say.
Here's an easy game to play.
ASL - Advanced Squad Leader.
Really, really, really Neater!

Oh, say! Can you Play?
Can you weight ASL? No way!
Can you Play ASL? You can Play?
Then welcome to the fray!

You haven't played this?
What a shame!
Read the rules or
Find another game!

A.1 DICE

Dice are nice
Dice mean two or more
When we say DR
Use your DICE

A die can be fun
Die means one
When we say dr
Use just one!

You haven't played this?
What a shame!
Read the rules or
Find another game!

A.2 ERRORS

You made a mistake?
Thats too bad!
That is very, very sad.
What is worse! You played ahead!
Now you're dead!

Once you play beyond the phase
There can be no fixes made

You haven't played this?
What a shame!
Read the rules or
Find another game!

A.3 MOVE / ADVANCE

When we say MOVE, we mean MOVE!
When we say ADVANCE, we mean ADVANCE!
Don't do it any other way!
Don't do it unless we say, 'OK'.

You haven't played this?
What a shame!
Read the rules or
Find another game!

1997A Spuddy Awards

Runner Up Best Sig:
Sam (I'm bilingual! eh? I speak Canadian, eh?) Belcher
Sam "Not a Doctor, but I play one" Belcher

Best Reality Argument

Runner-Up, to Sam Belcher:
>Is it possible to capture a panzerfaust or atmm or any other inherent weaponry
> (exc. small arms) and if not, does this give the german infantry (or the owner
>for that manner) an advantage.

There is no way to capture an inherent weapon. (No way to take prisoner's watches either, and that's UNREALISTIC!)

Best Admin Idea, to Sam Belcher:
Listmeister! Please place a "Debate" marker on Michael and Tate so we all know they are locked in melee.

Best Story Runner Ups:
Sam Belcher - "How Many Listers Does It Take to Explain Counter Storage?" and "FREEDOM for ASL Players!"

1997B Spuddy

Best Sig Runner-Up:
Sam "Wounded, Encircled, but still clutching my Dice Tower" Belcher

Best Example of Thinking Outside The Box, to Sam Belcher:

I've found that the rule book does not state that the dice used in ASL are six sided. Lately, I've been rolling two four-sided dice.

It helps quite a bit!

Or, you could play with a six sided die that has two "1's", two "2's" and two "3's"!

Hey, the rules don't say!

Best Story, Runner Up:
Sam Belcher, for "CNN Coverage of ASL Lawsuit"

ASL: CNN Coverage of ASL Lawsuit

[Wolf Blitzer, CNN] Hello, this is Wolf Blitzer. Comming to you from the United States Supreme Court where today arguments are heard in the case of Avalon Hill Game Company vs. Critical Hit and Company. The Justices have entered and the lawyer for CH is about to make his opening statement. Let's listen in.

[CH Attourney Mr Cheatum - of the firm "Dewie, Cheatum and Howe".] If it please the court, my client contends that the suit brought by Avalon Hill Game Company is unconstitutional in that it violates our "Right to keep and bear arms".

Weapons are weapons, your honor - it make no difference if the GUN is made out of hardened steel or carboard - the bill of rights still appies.

[AHGC Attourney] Your honor. I must object to the statement that a GUN can be made from cardboard. It is clear that when a GUN fires Cannister, it is not protected under the bill of rights.

[CH Attourney, Mr Cheatum] We are willing to conceed the point that when a GUN fires Cannister, it may not be protected under the Constitution. Yet inspite of this constitutional guarantee, the AHGC wants to limit, to control, to stiffle the people's rights to bear arms.

It starts with a "license" and then the next thing you know, you'll have to take a course in "GUN safety", then everyone but AHGC will be prohibited from selling or possessing cardboard weapons. We've got to stop them here. If the line isn't draw here, we'll just have to fight this battle again - with ever decreasing rights and liberties. They won't license MY ASL! They won't get my ASL away from me till they pry it out of my cold, dead fingers!!!!

Freedom of Speech should include the right to "borrow" work from others and claim it as your own. Surely you can all see this! If I am prohibited from using someone else's work, then my speach is not truely free, is it? The same can be said about have to pay a licensing fee - its a violation of the Constitution!

My client also contends that the suit is wrong with respect to the Declaration of Independence - which states that all men have a right to the "The pursuit of happiness". I speak without fear of contradiction: Many many men are not happy about this lawsuit.

Strike it down! Don't let tyranny triumph!

[Noises from outside the court room. Then the doors burst open and a huge crowd of 15 people do a human wave into the courtroom]

[Wolf Blitzer] Oh, this is awful! An agry mob has broken into the courthouse! They have MOL, some of them are climing up the side of the building! We're going H to H! And they are not taking prisoners! Oh, the humanity!!!

We have to break away for a commercial, now, but stay tuned - we'll bring you developements live as they happen.

Congratulations to Sam for all the Spuddies, and keep 'em comin'!